Knowledge.

Almost 16 months ago, Clay and I decided we were ready to start building a family that includes human children and not just this furry black thing sitting on the floor at my feet. Obviously, that "plan" didn't exactly happen the way we thought it would. I remember the conversation that Clay and I had outside of Quiznos over sub sandwiches about how excited we were and how it would probably only be a couple months before I'd be announcing to the world we were expecting. I was thinking how great it would be if I could get pregnant before the summer was over to avoid the heat (and still look ok in a swimsuit-HA!), have the baby in the winter and have just enough time to get back in shape for the following summer!! Hilarious. Anyway, after those plans were shot, we decided that we would get "checked out" by the doctor after a year. (Besides that, Clay was in between jobs at the time and we had to wait for his new insurance to kick it).

So, I went.

I wish I understood half of what she said to me, but all I know is that she said I am not ovulating consistently. I DO understand that is an absolute must when trying to get pregnant. And between something like that and Clay's travel schedule for work, it can cause a problem. There are blood tests that will need to be run to check my hormone levels and such to determine why exactly this may be happening, which I will go back to do sometime in the next week or two. Clay is currently being interviewed for a possible position that he will not have to travel for (PRAYERS PLEASE!). So, we are making some steps forward. On some level, I have to admit, I was a bit relieved. I guess just to know SOMETHING. Anything.

Ok, so now what?

I don't really know. More waiting. I think after that visit I have really settled in for the long haul. I have several patients that come in the office that did not have their first child til their late 30's or even early 40's!! One girl struggled with infertility for 12 years. 12 YEARS!!! The OBGYN offered different options beyond the blood tests, from Clomid to in vitro. She wasn't pushy at all, but simply putting those options on the table for me to think about, while assuring me that they have been extremely successful with a lot of their infertility cases. I don't know what I'll do. All I can say is that right now I still want to wait. I am all for modern medicine and I think it can be a great tool, but for whatever reason I feel like it's not time for that yet. The Lord keeps reminding me of so many women in the Bible who waited, just like me. Elizabeth, Hannah, Sarah... all waited. Even when some of them lost hope, He STILL granted them the desires of their heart and brought them a child. That's crazy love. So, anyway... that's the latest. Not the worst news. It is what it is.

This weekend I will have the honor of participating in a prayer vigil for some pretty special kids in Africa. We have two different organizations from our church that are going to bat for these children in every way imaginable. An orphanage in Rwanda and a children's home in Ghana. In one of Jesus' parables (Matthew 25:23) He talks about being a good steward with whatever the Lord has given you so that He can say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let's celebrate together!" I keep hearing the Lord say,

"Here, I need you to do this for this child"
"I want you to pray for these kids"
"I want you to love this one right now"
"There is so much to do before it is your time. Be patient Beloved."

I love that He ends with, "Let's celebrate." I love that. We are SO looking forward to the celebration, and in the meantime we will do our best to be good stewards with what He's put in front of us for the moment. Day by day. Whatever that means.

Thanks for listening.

~ jess