The month of May is a very significant time of year for me. Mostly, because I was born in May -- May 31st to be exact. This year, however, it is significant for another reason. It will officially be 1 year ago in May that we starting trying to get pregnant. I've read that the average couple takes 6-12 months to get pregnant. I've also heard, "it'll happen when you stop trying so hard." In the past 12 months I have watched 2 of my closest friends get pregnant somewhat unexpectedly. I've cried a lot. Then peace. Crying. And again, peace. People try to tell you what you should do. "You should go get this pill," or "you should go get this checked." And I don't know why, but we haven't felt the urge to do any of those things yet. I don't know how many times I have said, "well, when I get pregnant..." There ya go. I always like to be positive about these kinds of things. Right? A glass is half full kinda girl. And yesterday as I was having an emotional breakdown at work as yet another month goes by I got a word...
"if."
If? What the heck does that mean? Lord, if you are telling me that I need to start saying, "if I get pregnant," instead of "when I get pregnant," then you're asking me to become a different person!!
"that's right"
No... (and the tears come). I think that struck a nerve. I can do this. Clay and I can do this. I can chart and plan and organize and pray and exercise and chart and plan and chart and, and, and... I CAN DO THIS!!!
"no -- you can't"
And I get it... But I don't want to. The Lord gives life and He takes it away. There are things that I can do to prepare my body, mind and spirit. But I can't make this happen. I do not have control over this situation. He's made that perfectly clear. And I'm sad. As everyone is sad when they have to die to a piece of themselves. Do I still believe that the Lord will give us a child of our own? Yes. Am I giving up on this dream I have? No. Could I be wrong? Absolutely.
So -- if we get pregnant, I am going to be so excited. I think Clay would be the best dad ever. We would have so much fun playing outside, going to grandma and grandpa's house, teaching them how to ride a bike, getting sno cones, tucking them into bed, reading them stories. If we get pregnant, we will rejoice and praise our Heavenly Father who from Him, all good things come.
And even if we don't -- we will praise Him all the same.
His blessings are perfect and they come just at the right time. Thanks for listening.
~ Jess
- jess
- I'm Jessica. Married to Clay. Momma to Quinn. We spent 2 years waiting on our little angel and she was definitely worth the wait. There's nothing too fancy about this life, except that it belongs to Jesus. It is a very full and abundant life. I keep it pretty real. Tell it like it is. I'm happy you're here and hope these words bless you, inspire you... or at least make you laugh. Welcome.
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3 comments:
It will happen, girl, I know you will be a great mommy! Just be patient, it will happen, I'll pray for y'all.
Oh girl... While I don't know exactly how you feel, I have a hint of it. A year ago I was pregnant... 9 weeks later I wasn't. And so the entire year has gone ever sense. And this month, I join you in saying "if".
And my the flesh side of me kinda feels like it's all just a kick in the crotch. :) BUT I KNOW with everything I have who God is no matter what.
I love you girl. I'm sorry for your sad and pray for the joy of the Lord to be your strength as you wait on the fulfillment!
I hope you don't mind me reading this, I saw your link on FB and clicked to see what you are up to! BTW, Hi old friend and thanks for letting me stop by. My husband and I started trying to get pregnant when we got married and we just recently celebrated our 5th Anniversary. No baby. No sign of baby. But as I look back on the past 5 years and the things I've done, the trials I've faced, the personal growth I've had and the things the Lord wanted me to accomplish, I'm not sure a baby would have allowed me to do this. I still hope that someday God will bless me with a child, but I also take into account that I have a beautiful step-daughter who loves and needs me. Sometimes I feel let down and it's hard to watch friends and family have babies. I hear and feel your struggles, but I also know that God knows us best and what we need. I know that you are a "mother" to your friend's and family's children. I know those children cherish you. Your time will come! Cry if you need to, but keep the hope. Things will work out the way they should. :) ~Elizabeth
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